*disclaimer*
this is an unedited, venting post. comments leading to dialogue are welcome. assumptions are not. i just needed to write, and this is where it ended up.
*disclaimer*
i hate who i am sometimes.
i know i am 'fearfully and wonderfully made' and all that, and that i am called according to His purpose.
i still have to wonder, though, what sort of purpose sexuality is supposed to play in all of this.
How many ministers, or just believers!, have "fallen" to sexual sins (too many variations to mention)...? is sexuality that powerful? are we as humans so weak? what is it that God has really fashioned in us when He fashioned someone's "mojo" or "libido" or "sexual drive" or "horniness" or whatever you prefer to call it... how is it appropriately worked into one's life, before, during and after marriage?
i cannot begin to describe the sexual frustrations of a young believer, raised in a conservative Christian context, within the broader American sex-driven media context... teased with sexual hints and propaganda, flirtatious behavior and/or attitudes, faced with flippant ethical justifications of sexual exploration, mocked by blatant glorification of that which the "conservative Christian" is supposed to detest and avoid.
i can't get away from it. i can't detest or loathe something that is so pervasive that people who are not force-fed scriptural proof-texts CANNOT recognize as wrong... i end up loathing myself. I end up living in a perpetual wrestling match, playing the role of Sisyphus pushing back against the sexual nature of humanity but never gaining ground.
the FREEDOM that i have experienced in other areas of my spirituality seems to be separate from sexuality... the redemption that i know in my relationship with God through Jesus Christ sometimes just doesn't seem to reach to my sexual tensions...
how long, oh Lord?
how long will you hide Your face from me?
be not far off, but come quickly to Your servant.
i want to learn to love myself as God has proved to love me. even the parts i fight with and am utterly confused by.
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4 comments:
Isn't there a certain beauty in the struggle? I know it sucks, but the fact that you wrestle with it is beautiful. How easily it is to become apathetic to the images and ideas we are bombarded with everyday. Faith in Christ is not a level at which we consistantly stay. It is the highs and the lows, love and hate, faith and fear, it is constantly moving. Therefore, struggle is a natural part. I hope this does not come across flippant or textbook. I simply want to say I understand, wholeheartedly.
-Phlip
for whatever reason, i wasn't originally going to post the comment i thought of upon reading this. but after reading phlip's, i have to echo his sentiments; they were close to the first ones i had as well...to be succinct, i was very happy for you upon reading about said struggles, oxymoronic as that may seem...perhaps also paradoxically, it reassured me of a number of things, one being that my thinking quite highly of my brother has not at all been misguided...
okay, this has nothing to do with this post, although it is interesting and i may just have to come back and comment...
just wanted to let you know that i was out shopping this afternoon/evening and stopped by chick-fil-a for a cool wrap. since i was driving by myself, i sat in the parking lot and ate my cool wrap as you serenaded me from my cd player. i just wanted to reinforce that i love your cd and i'll probably listen to it all the way to buies creek tomorrow.
hope that makes you feel better! :)
You said yourself..."it's much better to be struggling than strong. it's when we struggle that we absolutely KNOW that any strength that comes is not ours."
One problem with sexuality is the nature of it - you're not taught much about it or given much warning until you're a thirteen year old boy suddenly struck with the urge, no longer repulsed by the girls on the playground. Even then, the reasoning behind our code of behavior as Christians is not readily apparent to the still-developing teenage mind. As we mature, we may see the error of our ways, but it's extremely difficult to break out of it when the temptation is there almost every hour of the day. It's so easy for some to fall victim to these 'sins of the flesh' because there is such immediate gratification and externally, no one is harmed. This is something Paul wrestled with and addressed often (see Romans 7).
"i still have to wonder, though, what sort of purpose sexuality is supposed to play in all of this."
I think it's all about respect, learning to love God's creations as he intended them to be enjoyed. With patience, we can make great friends to share fulfilling experiences with; or choose the immediate gratification route of 'getting wasted,' shallow relationships, and other such activities that are ultimately empty and over all too soon. With patience, we can enjoy 'proper' sexuality with our spouse in a lifetime relationship; or choose the immediate gratification of lust and/or sexual immorality - again, ultimately empty.
Not that any of this makes it easy!
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