Monday, June 20, 2005

Blue Like Jazz
by Don Miller

you should read it. he has some insightful things to say about many aspects of life... in particular for me, he mentions fatherhood, and its effects on God as described as 'Father.'

Wild at Heart
by John Eldridge

even girls should read this one. Eldridge accurately captures in word the emotional stages and development of males. Today, and yesterday, the passages in the book regarding the wounds a father gives a son have resonated in me. read the book or borrow it from me so i don't have to try to sum it up.

What i will say, however...
Relating to my father is a process filled with anxiety, pain, hope, disappointment, and passion. Our communication is certainly lacking... we do not speak often, nor long enough. He lives out of state, separated by 2000 miles physically, and it feels like even further emotionally and relationally. On Father's Day, when some people (feels like MOST), can give their father a card, or worse a mug or tie, that says "Greatest Dad Ever"... i am abruptly faced with the fact that my dad isn't here. nor is he the greatest ever.
but OH how i long to be able to say that!
Deep in my being, i desire to look my dad in the eye and say he's amazing.
but i can't do that.
not only can i NOT look at my dad, physically, but even if i could i could not bring my mouth and throat to form those words.

unfortunately, this affects how i perceive God. I approach God with anxiety, pain, hope, disappointment, and passion.
Anxiety - In the same way that i do not know how or if my father will speak to me, i fool myself into thinking that i do not know how God will react to me.
Pain - My father will not/has not said that he is proud of who i am, so it is so hard for me to believe that God is whispering to me how proud He is - not because of who i am or what i do, but merely because i am His.
Hope - i have a rooted, firm hope that my father will some day reconcile himself to me, if not on this earth than in Heaven when all relationships are restored to perfection. This hope reflects itself in my relationship with God in the way that i am very sure of His active part in my life, and when i do not see Him, i have a real hope that He is still working.
Disappointment - even last night, my father disappointed me. just as all earthly relationships will be plagued by disappointment, i should not be surprised... i just wish this relationship wasn't marked and defined by it. Accordingly, i wrestle with the mindset of being disappointed with God, especially when i do not understand what is happening around me.
Passion - i have been wired as a deeply passionate and expressive person (as evidenced in my music) and i passionately respond to and reach for my dad. At times when i feel wounded by him, i experience those wounds fully, just as i hope that when we are reconciled i will experience that joy fully. I love being able to worship and pray passionately, and i am thankful i've been called to ministry in order to continue learning how to worship and lead in it.

It's also very difficult when i have to unpack the baggage of my relationship with my dad when getting close to people. It's a pretty big bag, with lots of stuff, and i hesitate to even open it sometimes. These experiences, however, inform who i am and how i perceive the world. I have to really own this baggage, and be free to open it up more, in order for God to support me with His Body, the Church, and His Holy Spirit.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey Dave, I don't normally leave comments, but reading this just made me so sad I wanted to say something. Unfortunately, now that I'm here I realize there's nothing I can say; but I wish I could share my dad with you. I know I can't because...well...nothing could be the same...but I wish anyway. Also, I've read both books and totally agree, I would recommend them to basically everyone.

Anonymous said...

David,

I am completely blown away by the fact that you have opened your heart and life in such a public forum...I suppose I am a dinosaur and don't really understand all the dynamics of blogging, but I still amazed...

With regard to your relationship with your dad, I can identify in many ways...while your dad was absent, mine was present but we could never get on the same page...communication was hard, I would alternate between trying so hard to please him and so hard to tick him off...it was just hard...

With a little age and distance, I realized that one of the major dynamics in our relationship was the fact that he was not the father that I wanted him to be for me...and I was angry about that...finally, I learned to "let him be" who he was and tried to get to know that person; not to please him or to try to get him to say that he loved me or that he was proud of me...I no longer needed that...but I did need him...

For years, my father would never let me pay for dinner when the family went out...I got mad at that too because I thought he didn't think I was financially stable enough to pay...but it wasn't able me, it was able him...he needed to maintain his role as the father and provider for the family,and paying for dinner was his way of staying in control...

We went out to dinner on his 80th birthday...to a catfish place...he ate catfish, hushpuppies, and turnip greens, his favorite foods...and he let me pay for dinner...that was our last meal together...he was dead in four months...

He never told me that he loved me (even though I asked him directly to do so) and he never told me that he was proud of me, but he let me pay for dinner...

I also know what you mean when you talk about projecting your relationship with your father onto your relationship with God...over time you will come to know in ever deepening ways that God loves you and is proud of you for who you are and who you are becoming, that is, the person that God created you to be...I pray that you (and I) will learn to rest in that thought...