Blue Like Jazz
by Don Miller

you should read it. he has some insightful things to say about many aspects of life... in particular for me, he mentions fatherhood, and its effects on God as described as 'Father.'

Wild at Heart
by John Eldridge

even girls should read this one. Eldridge accurately captures in word the emotional stages and development of males. Today, and yesterday, the passages in the book regarding the wounds a father gives a son have resonated in me. read the book or borrow it from me so i don't have to try to sum it up.

What i will say, however...
Relating to my father is a process filled with anxiety, pain, hope, disappointment, and passion. Our communication is certainly lacking... we do not speak often, nor long enough. He lives out of state, separated by 2000 miles physically, and it feels like even further emotionally and relationally. On Father's Day, when some people (feels like MOST), can give their father a card, or worse a mug or tie, that says "Greatest Dad Ever"... i am abruptly faced with the fact that my dad isn't here. nor is he the greatest ever.
but OH how i long to be able to say that!
Deep in my being, i desire to look my dad in the eye and say he's amazing.
but i can't do that.
not only can i NOT look at my dad, physically, but even if i could i could not bring my mouth and throat to form those words.

unfortunately, this affects how i perceive God. I approach God with anxiety, pain, hope, disappointment, and passion.
Anxiety - In the same way that i do not know how or if my father will speak to me, i fool myself into thinking that i do not know how God will react to me.
Pain - My father will not/has not said that he is proud of who i am, so it is so hard for me to believe that God is whispering to me how proud He is - not because of who i am or what i do, but merely because i am His.
Hope - i have a rooted, firm hope that my father will some day reconcile himself to me, if not on this earth than in Heaven when all relationships are restored to perfection. This hope reflects itself in my relationship with God in the way that i am very sure of His active part in my life, and when i do not see Him, i have a real hope that He is still working.
Disappointment - even last night, my father disappointed me. just as all earthly relationships will be plagued by disappointment, i should not be surprised... i just wish this relationship wasn't marked and defined by it. Accordingly, i wrestle with the mindset of being disappointed with God, especially when i do not understand what is happening around me.
Passion - i have been wired as a deeply passionate and expressive person (as evidenced in my music) and i passionately respond to and reach for my dad. At times when i feel wounded by him, i experience those wounds fully, just as i hope that when we are reconciled i will experience that joy fully. I love being able to worship and pray passionately, and i am thankful i've been called to ministry in order to continue learning how to worship and lead in it.

It's also very difficult when i have to unpack the baggage of my relationship with my dad when getting close to people. It's a pretty big bag, with lots of stuff, and i hesitate to even open it sometimes. These experiences, however, inform who i am and how i perceive the world. I have to really own this baggage, and be free to open it up more, in order for God to support me with His Body, the Church, and His Holy Spirit.