and just like that -

- it was over.

i'm in a sort of shock right now... the kind where you can't feel very much - i'm not hungry, i'm not sleepy, my head hurts (but not TOO much), and all of my skin has a numb tingle to it. Since i can't eat, and can't sleep, i suppose the latter two effects are a direct result of the first two.
anyways
i'm in a place of tension... a very, very unexpected one. i'll be the first to say that a life fully LIVED is lived in tension, is experienced in joy AND in suffering... but i DO NOT understand why this is or how it works.
case in point: one of the most beautiful things i've ever experienced - now pulled out of my grasp. I just described it to TM as having a full, vibrant rose held in front of me... and i've just begun taking a long, deep breath of the most intoxicating, ravishing scent... and before i can finish inhaling, the rose is abruptly snatched away, disappearing into a darkness just beyond my vision... and the scent is starting to fade, and right now, i feel like i'm trying to breathe as deeply and as quickly as possible to capture what's left...
and i'm ending up hyperventilating
and shaking
and sobbing, but the kind without tears.
you know, the dry sobs that wrack your body, leaving you exhausted? yeah, i hate those.

i think i need to write a song.