nothing makes you more aware of your own selfishness than marriage
this is what i hear from my married friends, anyway.
i am convinced of my own selfishness in ALL my relationships, however. i find that unconsciously, my own desires carry more weight than those of my neighbors or even my loved ones. my subtle actions, passing phrases... upon examination, i see that i'm basically maneuvering things to suit ME.
this kind of inbred selfishness is most obvious when i consider my "romantic" relationships, of course. i'm telling myself, and her, that i "only want what is best for you" or "i want you to be happy"...
but what shocks me upon reflection is that even when saying THESE things, other parts of my mind are working hard at figuring out how i can get what i want while still having the appearance of pursuing what's best for her.
i cannot express how much i long to be free of this selfishness. i don't want to fight it every waking moment anymore. i don't want to be shocked at the depravity of my humanity anymore - i want to finally be fully transformed into someone who lifts others up ALL the time, who completely and truly pursues the desires of loved ones first, who doesn't require attention but instead gives it entirely to others.
this process of transformation... sanctification, to use a lofty word... this journey of Christian spirituality... there are so few points where i feel like i've "got it." there are so many times when i feel like i'm failing.
it's entirely possible that i'm supposed to fail, and in that failure more clearly recognize my need for the person of Jesus.
this kind of post obviously needs to be a conversation, not just a one-sided pity party. but, it's freaking late and no one is up or has the energy to hear about it, so leave it to the internet to provide some catharsis :-)
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4 comments:
i believe that is yet another paradox in christianity. We are supposed to fail in the battle that you speak of, yet we are not supposed to stop trying to succeed.
"i don't want to be shocked at the depravity of my humanity anymore"
i have EXACTLY that sentiment...it leads to so much blasted confusion (for me, anyway), and not knowing when to throw my hands up in surrender and accept grace or when to keep "fighting" (as if i think i could win); and most times i don't even know anymore what either one of those options would entail.
Here's yet another paradox for you: not being able to fully lament my humanity because technically I was created in the image of GOD, but at the same time recognizing how depraved and deviated this humanity is
i was really thinking about that for myself around 10:00am yesterday morning.
interesting.
a conversation on this would also be interesting to listen to.
she's not kidding...she really doesn't sleep.
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